In Memorium
by Scandalacious Intentions
Summary: It’s one of those things, I think, where you don’t know how much someone means to you until they decide to bugger off. Until you force them to...


**Disclaimer: None of it's mine. **

**A/N: Not my best. I hate writing angst but it comes from the worst possible day. For a certain someone who knows who they are. I am just as sorry.**

I feel sick.

I feel disgusted.

I feel lonely.

I want to apologise but he won't even see me. He won't share the same space. There's a part of me that hates him for it and then I remember that it's my fault. I deserve all this and more.

I deserve expulsion for one thing. I haven't even been suspended because Saint Remus of Mercy has decided that he doesn't want any action taken against me. Well that just makes me feel worse.

I really want to have something to say. 'Sorry' just won't cut it anymore. Sorry is for when I wreck his Potions essay. Sorry is for when I eat his last Chocolate Frog. Sorry is when I forget to give him his quills back (I've built up quite a collection over the years – God knows where I put them).

Sorry is not for betraying his trust over a disease that could ruin him. Sorry is not for attempting to get Severus Snape killed. Sorry is not for having no excuse.

I miss him. It's been three hours and I miss him. I need a spine.

I miss the constant supply of chocolate. I miss him shaking me awake in the morning, resorting to throwing things at my head. I miss his chirpiness. I even miss his sarcasm. I miss him whispering the answers. I miss his Potions mishaps even though he hasn't taken the subject in almost a year. I miss his presence in Charms, constantly altering the position of my wand and asking why in God's name I took the subject.

I miss him.

It's one of those things, I think, where you don't know how much someone means to you until they decide to bugger off.

I could tell him what I told everyone else. No, he wouldn't believe it. Besides, this is Remus and he deserves more than a half-arsed set of well concocted lies.

It goes deeper than it seems, you see. James can barely bring himself to look me in the eyes. For the first time in years, I don't have a friend in the world.

No, I lie. I have Peter.

Shoot me now.

It's not that I'm defeatist. Even if I was, what the bloody hell could I do about it?

He's my confidant. I go to Remus and I know that no matter how stupid my problem, I will not be laughed at. I go to Remus and I know that my secret is safe.

I am the biggest idiot in existence.

Why did he never tell me how much of a twat I am?

Oh yes, because he's Remus and he knows it would rather upset me.

Merlin, I wish he'd tell me I was an idiot. He did call me a fucking prick though. That counts, I think. That was before he blacked my eye. That boy doesn't know his own strength, I'm telling you.

Or perhaps he does…

I can't even remember what I thought was funny about taking someone's humanity, if not life. I don't even know whether I can laugh if I remember. Something tells me I won't be laughing for a long time yet.

He keeps looking at me oddly when we're in class. I'm assuming that he expects me to apologise but I think that would cheapen how sorry I am. There's no way he can understand.

And I think he's told Evans because the way she looks at me could scare off my mother!

That's not even funny anymore. Merlin, you know it's bad when I can't even laugh at my mother.

Now, I know that talking to James and making up with him will be a cinch; like taking candy from a particularly submissive baby.

I think the whole process would be speeded up by apologising to Remus. I just have no fucking clue how to start. I can't stroll up and ask how he's doing. I can't make wisecracks.

The irony of this entire situation is that I need James' support before I can humiliate myself. I need someone to laugh with me about it and Peter is not that person.

I need Remus' support before I can speak to James. I need someone to prepare an apology and run through it with me until I can look him in the eyes without biting back laughter (I've never been good at that – it's why I always lose stare outs) and Peter is not that person.

That's the issue here. I have neither of them and I need both to get them back.

I need to be one of life's (what's the word?)…Remii? Maybe. I need to have conviction. Wait, no. Isn't conviction when you get a criminal record? No, I don't want one of those.

My thoughts always seem to run away with me. Why can't I concentrate? It was sweet when I was eleven and now…well, now everyone knows I'm a twit.

One thing's for certain, I need to speak to Remus. It's getting close enough when he's alone that's crucial. I'm not having this conversation in front of half the bloody school.

I could bugger off, couldn't I?

I could wait in the dormitory and eventually, he has to come in. He can't just disappear. Fantastic plan! Even better, if James sees it, he has to start speaking to me again. Two birds with one stone.

Okay, so his stuff's gone. Oh and he's taken back all the stuff he leant me. That's what happened to my quill collection. Never mind.

It'll be alright. It's always alright.

I know.

I think.

I hope.


End file.
